Top 10 Ugliest NBA Players

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Last week on our podcast, The Last NBA Fan (which you can check out on iTunes or play it above), we discussed how the Portland Trail Blazers may have the ugliest team in the league. I stand by that statement. But let's be realistic, the NBA is full of ugly dudes. Before you get on your high horse and say "Kyle, making a list of the Top 10 Ugliest NBA Players is really mean, these people have feelings", I'd like to remind you that all of the people on the list make millions of dollars a year, can basically sleep with anyone they want, and their life will always be better than mine. That being said, here is my list....

The Top 10 Ugliest NBA Players:

10. LeBron James:

LeBron, I'm your biggest fan but that doesn't mean I can ignore whatever it is your doing with your facial hair. Also, his hairline is worse than his 4th quarter free throw shooting. I'm doing us both a favor, and using an old picture.

9. Steve Nash:

Nash makes #9 for no other reason than the fact that he has had some of the worst hair cuts in NBA history. Whether is bleach blonde, parted down the middle, or shaving his head, Nash's hair style choices have always... interesting??? If Nash made the same decisions in the barber shop, as what he does on the court, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

8. Dirk Nowitzki

Let's forget my ill feelings towards Dirk for one second and remember just how ugly he truly is on the outside. Sure, he's great at basketball but he has to be with that face.

7. Chris Bosh

So far, it's been a star studded line up of ugly dudes and Chris Bosh isn't about to change that. Chris looks like some kind of weird mix of a racing dog, a llama, and t rex. Don't believe he's ugly? Chris Bosh was trending on Twitter this weekend, not because of his basketball ball skills, but because of his resemblance to any mammal but a human.

6. Blake Griffin

Despite his looks, Blake Griffin has emerged to be one of the most popular players in the NBA. He's on Sportscenter every night dunking on someone and when his highlights go to a commercial break, he's there too, selling you AT&T, Vizio, Subway and Kia. People love Blake Griffin, and they should, he's a great player and seems to be a nice guy too. Unfortunately, every time I see him, I wonder where The Man with the Yellow Yat is.

5. Greg Oden

Let's take a break from picking on superstars for a second and talk about Greg Oden's ugly mug. It's hard to believe Greg is only 24. He looks 20 years older, and apparently his knees are as old as his face looks. He kinda looks like the love child of Robert Parish and Sam Perkins.

4. Pau Gasol

Pau Gasol is one ugly NBA champion. When you look at his face, it's hard to believe great things could happen to him, but he's won the NBA Rookie of Year, 2 NBA Championships, and holds multiple team records with the Memphis Grizzlies. Pau Gasol has certainly proved their is more to being an NBA player than good looks and getting your hair cut on a regular basis.

3. Delonte West

It's hard to believe that a man this ugly could have sex with anyone, well alone with one of the NBA's best players mothers. Delonte West did it though. He broke up the band in Cleveland by sexin' up LeBron's mom. The only thing worse than your mom sleeping with one of your teammates, is your mom sleeping with your ugliest teammate. (And that's saying a lot considering Big Z was on the team)

2. Joakim Noah

I'm a Bulls fan, so Noah might be getting a pass here by landing in #2. Noah has the whole package of ugly. His facial hair is bad, the hair on his head is worse, his teeth are a mess and his body is oddly shaped. All that being said, I hope he retires a Bull. (he already kind of looks like one)

Honorable Mentions: Chris Anderson, Andrei Kirilenko, Marcin Gortat, Jason Kidd, Kendrick Perkins (not on the list because I am scared of him), Shelden Williams (if you disagree with anyone on the list, just substitute them with Shelden Williams, you'll quickly agree with me again)

Drum roll please....

1. Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman will most likely never grace of the cover of GQ. That is most likely because he looks like the killer from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre without a mask. Rumor has it that the Clippers included Kaman in the Chris Paul trade as to not scare off potential fans. Right now, Kaman is jobless and awaiting another trade. Luckily for him, there will always be a job for him at the bell tower.

Alright enough of making fun of ugly millionaire athletes, I'm going to go eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the dark because I can't afford to keep the lights on in my 1 bedroom apartment. Enjoy being rich and famous!

Written by Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter @kylescanlan

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EPISODE 4 IS UP! CHECK IT OUT!

Episode 1, 2, & 3 of The Last NBA Fan Podcast up on iTunes!

Episode 1, 2, & 3 of The Last NBA Fan Podcast up on iTunes!

Check it out! http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/thelastnbafan/id492351760

The Last NBA Podcast! Episode 1!

Chris Weathers and I discuss the upcoming season, the lockout, and why Karl Malone is the biggest redneck of all time. Check it out:

5 Things That Won't Happen in the 2012 NBA Season.

5 Things That Won't Happen in the 2012 NBA Season.

1. The Celtics will begin a Benjamin Button phase and become younger, stronger, and more healthy.

The Celtics are real old. This is the last year for them to make a run at the title with this group. Unfortunately for them, the East is tougher than ever.

2. I will get better at iPhoto.

Expect more of what you see above.

3. The Clippers owner, Donald Sterling, won't be a giant douche this year and will have no affect on the teams success.

This guy is possibly the worst owner in the NBA. He's a giant racist, who's paid out over 8 million dollars in the past few years for housing discrimination, and also heckled his own player, Baron Davis, from the sidelines. Sterling may be a giant douche, but he now owns the most exciting team in the NBA.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/07/elgin-baylor-donald-sterling-clippers-lawsuit_n_805909.html

4. The Magic will trade Dwight Howard to what ever team he wants as soon as possible.

The Magic will hold on to Dwight Howard for at least another month or two. Don't expect him to go anywhere fast. He'll most likely end up playing out the season in Orlando and then crushing their spirits come July by signing with the Lakers, much like the ORIGINAL Superman did some 15 years ago.

5. Someone besides LeBron James and Kevin Durant will win MVP.

Lebron and Durant both look better than ever. I think both will lead their team to the finals and blow past whatever L.A. team gets in their way. One may be MVP, the other may have their first NBA Championship, both may win MVP, or one of them might win both the MVP and the NBA Championship, but no one will match up with Lebron and Durant this season.

The NBA Doesn't Care About You.

THE NBA DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

Written by: Kyle Scanlan

My entire life I have been a huge NBA fan. Since the post Jordan days, I have been in the minority of sports fans I know because of that. I don't just watch during playoffs, I don't just watch the 4th quarter of games, and I pay extra money on my cable bill to get the NBA TV channel. That being said, I'm not sure why I have done any of this. The NBA doesn't care about their fans, and it's obvious.

Right off the heels of a 5 month lockout that nearly ended the entire season, David Stern and the gang are back to doing what the do best; making fans go 'why do I even give a shit about this?'

The New Orleans Hornets, who have had a pretty unsuccessful go as an NBA team, do have the most wanted player in the league, Chris Paul. The Hornets are also owned by the NBA, and realize that if Chris Paul is gone, so is their money. Last week David Stern vetoed a trade that would have sent Paul to arguably the leagues most successful team of all time, The Los Angeles Lakers. Why? Because he can. Also, because it would hurt his pocket book, as he has dumped money into preseason ticket sales for Hornets' fans like Alonzo Morning and Larry Johnson were back on the team, ignoring the fact that they are a dying franchise.

By doing all this, David Stern is basically saying to fans everywhere, 'I don't care what you want, because that doesn't make me money.' This trade would have been great for the NBA, as the Lakers' "dynasty" team is nearing it's end and is trying to rebuild before Kobe leaves the league to pursue sexually assaulting people without remorse as a non NBA player.

*given hypothetical situation of being trapped in a room with David Stern and Kobe with one bullet, I'd ask for a gun to fire the bullet with (because what good is a single bullet?). I'd then just hold them both hostage in the room until we all 3 starved to death. That's how much I despise these two. I'd be willing to starve to death, if it were promised they weren't a part of the NBA anymore.

David Stern doesn't care what make you happy as a fan. He only cares about what makes him money. He doesn't care if a lockout over a billion dollar sports industry in the middle of a near depression makes you sad, he wants money. He doesn't care if a huge trade that could get both momentum for the upcoming season and gain fan interest following one of the ugliest lockouts in the history of sports makes would make you happy, he wants money. He doesn't care if you want to spend your hard earned money on the NBA League Pass and give the NBA a second chance this year. BECAUSE HE RAISED THE PRICE OF NBA LEAGUE PASS ON A SHORTENED SEASON, because he wants money.

I'm not sure if I believe in a Heaven or a Hell, but I absolutely 100% believe that David Stern is the devil.

Top 5 Reasons Chris Paul Won't Help Anyone

With plenty of trades and free agent signings coming up in the next week or so, everyone seems to be talking about where Chris Paul is going. Possible trade talks have him going to New York, Boston, LA, and almost anywhere else that is nicer place to live than New Orleans. I don't think Chris Paul will make a significant difference no matter where he goes, here's why.

Top 5 Reasons Chris Paul Won't Help Anyone

1. He's a Ball Hog.

Before teams going trading away some of their best players to get Paul, they may want to remember that Paul is a ball hog. He confuses people into thinking he is sharing with fancy bounce passes that make Sportscenter, but Chris Paul is nothing more than a 5 year old kid on the playground (that's barely a joke about his height) that won't share his toys with anyone.

2. Can He Stay Healthy?

Whoever ends up with Chris Paul will most likely be out a superstar and a lot of cash, so it's important that Paul do something he hasn't done in the past, stay healthy. Paul often times tries to do too much on the court and winds up getting hurt (check out video below). He is young but no one really knows if his speed is quite what it used to be. Once his speed goes, so will his game. The same thing happened to Iverson. Is that really a guy you want to dump the max player salary on?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dlIIz3OTu4

3. His Twitter is Boring.

Chris Paul's twitter is about as exciting as staying home to read the Constitution on a Saturday night. It is equally filled with things that don't apply to my life or anyone else's.

It's not just his Twitter either, Chris Paul is kind of a boring superstar. Yes, he's exciting on the court, but off the court he is kind of reminds me of Andy Griffith from Matlock. He's doing exciting things, but somehow makes them look so boring. Perhaps this is why NBA analysts say he is the top point guard in the league and everyone else in America says "who's that?".

4. He Nicknamed Himself "CP3"

There is nothing cool about about anyone who gives them self a nickname. Especially a nickname involving a number.

5. You Can't Build a Team Around Him.

New Orleans was the testing ground for can you build a team around Chris Paul? I believe the answer is NO. To be fair, I think the days of a team having one superstar and winning a championship are over. If Paul wants to win, he is going to have to paired with a superstar of equal or greater skill and be willing to give them the ball. He has to stay healthy. He has to play great defense. He has to get more exciting off the court. And for god's sake, he has to start going by 'Chris'.

...kind of.